


I'm Hungry Just To Prove Myself To Myself

by PeachyYoonmin



Category: The Academy Is...
Genre: Eating Disorders, Loss of Trust, Other, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-01
Updated: 2015-06-01
Packaged: 2018-04-02 10:08:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4056064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeachyYoonmin/pseuds/PeachyYoonmin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes you have to prove you're stronger than everyone else...by making yourself weaker. <br/>TRIGGER WARNING</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Hungry Just To Prove Myself To Myself

**Author's Note:**

> i needed to write this. I'm sorry.

I stood in the dark of my room; the long body mirror glaring back at me. I feel around my body. Fat. Fat just...everywhere. I don't get how I can be so fat with the tiny amounts of food i eat. If any. Just looking at my chubby face and weird body makes me want to throw up. To just stick my fingers down my throat and feel empty and free. I'm too much of a wuss to do that though. I haven't thrown up in years, and just the thought is nauseating. 

I'm fed up of my dreams becoming my nightmares. I'll never get where I want, who will want a fat unattractive singer on stage, let alone leading a band? 

I step away from the mirror, my pink cheeks painted with the salty tears falling suddenly; going to my drawer. I rip out the top drawer and grab all the chocolate bars I have stashed away for times like this. As I tear each individual wrapper off, I feel my stomach growling; neglected from the many days of not eating again. Shoving the candy into my mouth, I feel it begin to melt and ooze down my throat and the sick feeling hits me. I quickly turn the corner to the bathroom and turn on the tap, leaning down to open the lid. My throat stings as i plunge two of my long fingers down it, the sour taste of vomit returning and falling into the toilet.

When I feel like there is nothing more to puke out, I slide down the wall slightly, still gripping the toilet and shrinking down to cry. I feel tired and my head hurts. I struggle for a while trying to find my razor, gripping it and instantly feeling the blood drip around it from me holding it so tight. I make the first cut in a while and before I know it, ten gashes are decorating my thin pale arms.

My ribs feel tight and I can barely see as i slide onto the cold tiles. Yes, Gabe will come back to see this mess i've created. But he can blame Carden. This is all his fault. I didn't know about any of this until he mentioned it and I got hooked. I didn't know I could feel so shit about someone who was supposed to be my best friend; turning against me. I wish he could see this.

Im not too weak like he said. Look at me mother fucker, this is YOUR fault.

I collapse slowly onto the floor, as I slowly start to fade in and out of consciousness, memories of Gabe flash across my mind. Gabe. The best boyfriend in the world...I don't want to hurt him. I've gone too far now. I try to get up, struggling for air and barely being able to see. I need to be okay for Gabe, I can do this. 

But it's too late. My last memory I had was the door shutting and his voice ringing in my ears. Gabe's sweet voice. I try to shout him, but all that comes out is barely a whisper. I want to be okay. I want Gabe. But as soon as I've decided I want him...I'm long gone. 

I'm sorry.


End file.
